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I think you have to communicate so that what you’re giving is not your advice; it’s the advice that they think is the right thing for them. If you follow, the advice has to come from them, the idea has to come from you. I try to transport that idea so that they think they came up with it. Otherwise, you can lead a horse to water but you can’t make ‘em drink. It’s a mind game; you’ve got to get them to perceive your idea as their own.

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I’ve learned that you cannot impose your will on others. I think it’s very difficult to do this and be happy. It is burdensome. I’ve had some employees with serious problems in their lives, many of which would be easy to point out and tell them how they were going about things wrong. I try to tell them I’m not your father but I’ll give you some advice if you want. I try to build my employees up by showing them respect. I have one former employee that owns a 300 person software company, one that is in the FBI and a gal who is now heads a government agency in Alaska. I hired one guy who during interviews admitted he had a drug problem. He became a great citizen, has a family, and now works for this company where he has 80 people working under him.

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You’ve got to be there for them from the time they arrive in your life so you understand them, but most of all so you don’t miss the joy of seeing them grow and develop. You can’t just all of a sudden decide one day that you are going to start spending a lot of time with them. I have two sons, one of them is 35 and the other is 32. When we’re together they’ll say, “Hey Dad, do you remember that time when we went to the zoo when we were little.” They’re constantly reminding me of fun things we did when they were younger. I also believe in spending the correct amount of time. When they are young, they need as much time as you can give them, but in their teenage years you do them a disservice if you smother them.

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We have a saying at Acumen: “assume goodness." When you are dealing with people across the globe in a busy environment, it’s really easy to assume after you’ve called three times and not heard back that they don’t want to hear from you. Instead, consider that there may be a very good reason for their not calling. In your personal life, this principle is even more important. When we’re younger, we tend to think the world should revolve around us, and as you get older you realize that people deserve to benefit of the doubt.

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I think what’s important, whether in business or personal, is accepting people for who they are and not who you want them to be. There are certain people I know that are unbelievably arrogant and I know that about them. So when I deal with them, I already know that that’s who they are, and it doesn’t even bother me. I mean this is who these people are, these are their character traits. They may evolve but seldom will they change. So I accept people for who they are and in turn, I’m much less frustrated.

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If you look at my close friends, they span a socio-economic line from someone who is just above the poverty line to someone who is uber wealthy. Several of my close friends are guys I’ve known since the 1950’s. They are not financially successful by any stretch, but they have cared about my family and I trust them. My closest friendships are the ones that, besides the good times, have experienced pressure, tension, and challenge—and survived them.

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I think it is very important to be choice-full with your friendships not who is there. A measure of friendship is two things I believe: 1) Do you become a better person by spending time with this person, and 2) Are they people that in many ways you would like to become. I am drawn to people who have a similar set of ethics and who see life is more than just about themselves.

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I don’t hold grudges but once I determine that someone has a flawed character, is selfish or creating havoc, I usually think why should I bother reevaluating. If they change, that’s great, but why should I spend time being part of that person’s process. Once I’ve decided their character is wrong, I don’t have anything to do with them again.

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The nature of my personality is to be controlling, and if I see a situation that needs help, I want to be the person to get involved and make things better.  With family members I want everyone to prosper and I want to see them integrate in every way they can.  What I’ve learned is sometimes the best course of action is no action at all.  And imposing my views on how they should do things and handle themselves isn’t always the best way to deal with that situation.  Speaking specifically about my brother, when we were younger I wanted so much for him to be a certain way.  At some point, I realized it wasn’t working and he wasn’t happy with my approach.  I then consciously decided to hold back my opinions and to just focus on unconditional love and being there as a brother.  And now he’s flourished into this beautiful person.  I don’t know what effect my different approach had but I know that what I was doing wasn’t working for him or for our relationship.          

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There is a lovely passage in Arthur Mills’ Death of a Salesman that will answer this question for you. The protagonist in the play, Willy Loman, was visiting a former neighbor, now a flourishing attorney, essentially looking for a handout. While waiting, he catches up with the attorney’s son.. Finally, the attorney ushers his client out the door, turns to Willy and says, “What do you think of that boy? Do you know that tomorrow morning he will plead a case before the Supreme Court of the United States of America?!” Willy is aghast, “We spoke for 40 minutes, he never mentioned it.” “Hey Willy, he doesn’t have to mention it, he’s doing it!!” I love that story. I am definitely attracted to the type of people that do not need to tell you how consequential they are, but are more focused on doing it. I deflect the blowhards, the guys who buy up art by the square foot and build libraries by the yard. Whose response to what they do is to tell you how much they’ve made. The rest of the world I embrace. The people who’ve worked in our companies have, I’m talking about the guys on the floor, they’re not replaceable parts of the machine, they are the stuff out of which I’ve prospered.

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I have a way of dealing with people that don’t have my best interests in mind. There are those that just want to trip you up. I can usually sense that type of personality after one remark from them. I want to say, “Hey, you don’t need to do that with me because I’m not judging you.” I’ll try to bring them onboard and be a step ahead. I don’t really want a sparring session; that’s not what I want to spend my time doing.

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I've learned that having a huge ego or treating people in a derogatory way is simply going to leave you alone and stunt your growth. It’s also a realization that you can't be successful on your own. I am totally aware of the handful of people that believed in me and took those same risks in me that I did.