My wife and I were having dinner with our friends the Toubians earlier this year, talking about our kids and the challenges of taking care of them and keeping our house in order. We talked about how we both are fortunate to have housekeeping help but were also concerned about the expense and also not wanting to outsource too much. [Being Jewish, we have this egalitarian complex in which we want health care for all, and in that same vein we are not comfortable with someone cleaning our house while we are working on our laptop one room over.]
As we continued talking, our friend Mona mentioned that a friend of hers had an audience with the great Rabbi Mendel Schneerson to discuss her being out of sorts with the challenges of raising children and managing a household, while also not feeling comfortable asking her husband for more outside help.
She was surprised at the Rebbe’s advice, which was that it is a man’s duty to get help for his wife. That it does not matter what your economic means are, you need to find a way to get some help for your wife in running a household. That it is your responsibility as a husband to help your wife feel as contented and grounded as possible, and that getting her help when she needs it is of utmost importance.
The Rebbe was asking his audience to consider the dividends of cutting certain other expenses to pay for this high priority expense. It is an interesting idea to consider downgrading our cable package or eating out two times less a month for the benefit of making life easier on the household. Was it Confucious that said, “Happy wife, happy life”?
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The Rebbe was a very smart man (obviously). If your wife is feeling overwhelmed and not happy at home, you won’t enjoy those nights out, trips, etc. You should think about the cost/benefit of doing more to help, as your child’s future is also at play. Having my wife pregnant with baby #2, and needing to attend to baby #1, we’ve outsourced cooking. A cook comes to our home once a week and prepares dinners for the whole week. No cooking, no clean up = much more relaxed evenings at home to play and read to baby #1, and a happier wife able to focus on her wellbeing.
Rabbi Schneerson
I agree with Rabbi Schneerson and the saying “Happy wife, happy life.” As someone who travels a lot for work, my wife serves as the backbone of our family, as many wives do. Many wives and mothers are on-call 24/7 and deal with many more life challenges within the household than husbands do. I am not discounting the contributions made by the husbands out there, but I find it difficult to understand how my wife is going to keep the family/household happy when she herself is not happy.
I totally agree with Rabbi Mendel that a man´s job is to help out in the house. As a family that lives in Mexico we get a lot of help from housekeeping and so my wife has more time to do other important things in her life. I reflect this as in business, we all need to leverage our time with lower paid employees to perform better and achieve better results. As long as we commit to paying them well and helping them with their own goals and development I believe we are in the correct path.
Thank you everyone for your comments. I agree that it is all about making your spouse’s life as easy as possible. What was that great management book called, “The Servant”? It’s all about meeting needs.
Another line I heard recently which makes sense and I can learn from is, “Do you want to be right or do you want to be happy?”
At the end of the day its all about maximizing quality of life. Rabbi Mendel’s core message here shares much in common John Stuart Mill’s economic theory on the concept of utility, which attempts to quantify satisfaction people can derive from having a happy spouse, or having that help around the house an extra day a week. Though difficult to quantify in measurable units, both the rabbi and the economist are very wise in their assertions.