The other day I was chatting with Matthew Coleman, a landscaping specialist from southern California.  He was helping us with some work and we got to chatting.   We started talking about parenting and before I knew it we started getting into one of those deep, fluid, interesting conversations.  The kind you wish you could do more of but find yourself not having the time for.  [In fact, I started to tell myself I didn’t have the time on a busy work day to chat – but thankfully I decided to chill and enjoy the rich experience presented to me.]   A minute into our conversation I realized some gems were forthcoming so I decided to record the conversation (with a phone video camera).  Below is a link to the conversation, in which Matthew shared his perspectives and practices around parenting.  CLICK ON THE PHOTO BELOW TO WATCH THE VIDEO.                   Here are some things that stood out from our conversation: When I asked Matt what he thinks parents get wrong, he said, “I am constantly aware these days of how much parents over communicate their children’s shortcomings, whether they realize it or not.  Children are always going to have issues…”   I totally agreed with what he was saying, but the way he put it was such a powerful reminder of how unfair it is for imperfect parents to expect their children to be perfect.   At the same time, I feel that there are some situations in which it benefits children for the parents to be tough on them.  So I asked Matthew what he felt about being “critical” with children on select character type things.  Not the typical cases like being honest but rather things like properly greeting people (voice they can hear with eye contact), even for a shy child.  [For my oldest son, he struggles with this and I have made this one of a few select things to be tough on him about.  Although I struggle with whether I am leading in the right way.]   Matthew’s reply was, “Just like gardening, you shouldn’t put too many seeds in the ground.  To properly grow, you need to provide space.”   Tell me that line isn’t a great lesson for all of us.  It’s a perfect nugget on how parents can quickly improve the quality of their parenting.  When you find a teaching moment, plant the seed (communicate the life lesson) and then back off and give your child the time and space to work on it.   It’s Leadership 101 in many ways.  If you’re coaching an employee on something, you’re not going to be in their grill every week about the improvement item.  At the most, once a month you’ll discuss it with the person.  Our children, even at five-years-old, can fully comprehend what we are trying to coach them on.  Matt’s wisdom was a great reminder that we owe it to our children to give them space to work on things.   And of course they will respect us a lot more as parents if we lead them better.

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Growing up, I was allowed to make mistakes and take risks. Although I'm sure it was hard for my mom to let me go and attempt my goals and dreams at such an early age, it was those experiences --the ups and definitely the downs -- that shaped so many of my values and formed the ground work and base I have been able to draw from later. Only by taking risks can you learn your true capabilities and have the foundation to keep growing and developing. I believe that going out and pushing myself the way I did instilled a work ethic that grounds me to this day.

There are many people who will tell you this is the way to live and there are a lot of paths out there. It takes a certain amount of courage to tailor make your own path. Sometimes it’s good to be a follower for a while before you can actually be more pro-active and create your own lifestyle. Ultimately, I think the art of living is about having that internal dialog and figuring out what really works for you. Not succumbing to a dogmatic approach and allowing trial and error to be a part of the process.

It’s a great step in the right direction when you realize that it’s not about being special individually. It’s about realizing that everybody really is a wondrous creation. I read something recently; the whole idea that everything is connected and the outlines that separate us are artificial and really just for practical purposes. If you really are connected to everything, then we have access to much more than what we’ve been taught. We basically have unlimited possibilities. It sounds grandiose but I think that’s really true. Television and popular culture really hammers home the have’s and the have-not’s idea. You have the celebrities and you have the people that are struggling to make their mortgage or living on the street. You’re given those two poles and everybody in between is caught up in trying to achieve what others have.

Humility is a very important quality to me. To me, it opens up a world of experiences. I think if you’re true and authentic and you attract people on that level, and show them respect, others will open up and start sharing things. And that is where so many rich experiences in life are waiting I think.

I think a lot stems from your ability to confront and deal with your fears. Fear is a natural human state. It’s an emotion but we need to realize it is a natural state that must be dealt with. Fears tend to rule our lives, to dictate what our actions are. And you can’t get a total control over them. I mean, you will remain afraid of something, but to gain confidence about confronting your fears, I think that’s one of the first things to master in life to reap all it has to offer.

Having a sense of what each day has to offer. Rhythm is something I find more and more as I get older. Some days just don’t seem to shake out smoothly. Other days you walk out the door and feel a day that has a beat, or groove you can hook into. The key is keeping your eyes and ears open and try get in tune with the flow. Work at being in the moment.

Arrogance and ego are qualities that often get in the way of achieving goals. Nobody enjoys the cloying presence of people only concerned about themselves, people who are totally wrapped up in their own perspectives, and in the image they have of themselves-indifferent to the needs and feelings of others. I feel that an essential quality of being a successful human lies in the ability to enjoy and respect others, to appreciate and recognize the positive contributions that others have to offer.

I have never believed in the word “can’t.” I believe there is a way. I don’t think the word “can’t" should stop anyone from pursuing their interests whether work or hobby related. If you don’t have the right experience to reach your goal, look for another way in. If you want to fly, get down to the airfield and make the coffee, you’re going to get on board eventually. If you would love to work for a football club, offer to be the team’s equipment manager for free for six months.

I have a copy of a letter written in the 1930’s from a young man to Einstein, complaining about what he regarded as very poor treatment of the noble man by the establishment of the day. Einstein’s brief response to the boy was “Be in good cheer my son, dogs have been barking at the moon for eons. The moon is still there”. Einstein also said, “The human being is a part of the whole universe, a part limited in time and space in which we regard ourselves as somehow separated from the rest, a kind of optical illusion of our consciousness. That delusion is a sort of prison limiting us to our feelings, our emotions, and to the friendship of just a few people close to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from that prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole nature and its beauty. No one can accomplish the task fully but the effort is itself an act of liberation and a foundation for security”. Ever hear anything more perfect?

Work is about allowing me the flexibility to do what I want to do. It’s about freedom. Work can facilitate your achieving incredible free rein or it can treat you like a caged animal. My view is you choose, that simple. I also think happiness comes from doing good, creative work. And I’ve always been more creative and more productive when I’ve been in an environment where I can control my comings and goings.

I know for a fact that my parents taught me to be a thinker, to not simply just go with the flow, but to give thought about what I want and how to get it, what is happening around me and what does it mean. Sometimes I did it the wrong way, sometimes I did it the right way but I’ve always been a thinker and, and to a degree, in many cases I’ve been somewhat selfish. I’ve known what I’ve wanted and when I wanted it. So to me, some coach who at the end of the day is only going to be in my life for a certain period of time, who in the hell is he to tell me how I need to structure what is ultimately going to affect the rest of my life.

The trick I think, is the courage to hold the hard and soft simultaneously. I’m more interested in justice than I am in mercy. I think compassion is really important but compassion without discipline is anemic. And so do you have the courage to be tough, focused, goal-oriented, driven, but simultaneously caring, compassionate, and open minded. That’s the balance that I think none of us do perfectly because it’s such a hard thing to hold both sides of things. But what makes us interesting as human beings are the contradictions, the goofiness, the silliness. It’s not hiding our imperfections.

My mentor years ago told me three things. First, he told me to spend less time trying to be interesting and more time being interested in people and the world. Think about that. He also told me do not worry about what other people think of you because the truth is most people are too busy focused on themselves to think about you. Lastly, realize that there’s a whole series of great opportunities out there brilliantly disguised as insoluble problems.

A lot of people talk about happiness as the ultimate goal. I don’t believe that. Happiness is not a condition that causes one to feel the need to change. And the world needs a lot of help. I aspire to a fulfilling life. To feel that I am a part of something that is greater than myself. That I made a difference while I was here. We talked about balance. The insight I will share is that if you are living a fulfilling life, you are always out of balance. Life is dynamic and changing. A moment will occur when the most important thing that has to be dealt with is your family and you better be there. My youngest daughter was in Israel and called me years ago and said me she needed me. I flew the next day and it was the most productive day of my life. I was out of balance with everything else but I was in harmony with my daughter. With business, I’ve had situations where if I didn’t let myself get pulled way out of balance, my business would have gone under. If you have clarity what your goals are, and you have good visibility of the subset of things that have to be deal with, and you are honest and flexible, you will deal with things pretty good overall.

Treat people as you want to be treated. Personally, I just don’t see any way around this. I think one of the worst things we can do is come across as arrogant. You must earn respect, and just telling people how important you are does not get you there. Sometimes we feel we need to have all the answers. I think a great key to being successful in life is to ask a lot of questions, listen intently, and hear what people are talking about.

Do not allow yourself to think you are so important. Charles de Gaulle said, “The cemetery is filled with people that thought they were indispensable.” Maybe I have a role that I can play particularly well. It doesn’t mean other people couldn’t do what I am doing. I deeply believe that the ability to stay grounded allows one to get more out of life, to have richer relationships, to be more connected to your environment and people you encounter in every day life.

When you are younger, you can feel like you have to show others that you are special. You’re going to eventually feel a lesser need to prove yourself to others -- so just get to the point now and experience the benefits sooner.